Saturday, May 30, 2009

How the White Man Killed Hip-Hop

Friday, May 29, 2009

Just like Jimmy's Skeletons, in his Ministry...

Some people wave the bible because it's giving them a thrill...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Mutiny on the S.S. Minnow!

Unless you've just returned from being stranded on an island with two hot chicks, while having the only hard dick know there is an all out war raging in Wingnuttia. However, the 25%'rs are digging in. They are determined to hang on to the hilltop they fought forty some-odd years to overtake. Conservatism.

But it ain't looking good.
The 1st Battalion of the 50th Rationalization unit just blocked off their supply routes and a company from the 102 punishment brigade is on their way to mop shit up. Looks like the war is finally going to be over soon...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I Relinquish my Bitchslapping Crown...

If it's good enough for Limpaugh, it's good enough for me.

Friday, May 22, 2009

No Shit Sherlock

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Late Night from Elmo's iPod: Cinderella "Once Around the Ride"

You got nothing for me, wingnut. You can't touch me the way I can touch you. That's why you are only going once around the ride...

Shit! I rock hard. Got an ace card...I ain't crazy...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Battle of the Hypotheticals

Alright, fine with me. You scab-dick wingnuts wanna dance with torture? Let's dance...

Your wife is a Secret Service Agent, working on a detail protecting President Obama during a meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in Brussels, Belgium. You wife speaks fluent Farsi and is a expert on Iranian tactics. The KKK gets wind of this through a spy in Congress who is going on the trip. This congresswoman attends a security briefing that gives detailed instructions on how to move and act in transition to the meeting by none other than the love of your life, your wife.

This congresswoman befriends your wife by asking "very important" questions that helps her get the rest of the congress critters there to agree to the Secret Service's wishes with little push back(which is NOT the norm).

Your wife is very grateful because these briefings are the bane of her existence! She often exclaims to you "If they had cancer on their obvious death bed and were told if they did not do what the doctors said they would certainly die...shakes fists wildly in the air...they would argue with the doctors!!!"

So she has a little extra time, and calls you. Ya know, just to give her big stud a little sugar talk before she leaves in two days. The call turns into phone sex(as it often does) and leave both of you quite satisfied. However, she tells you afterward that you can come by for the real thing if you wanted, she has about 6hrs of R'n'R and gives you the time and place..."I'll be at the hotel I blew you at while I was working back in '98, room 222." "Same place...same time, baby?" You agree without hesitation, hang up, and pay for a flight out to D.C. the next morning on! But you are never going to make that flight...

An hour and twenty-nine minutes later, while you are packing, you get a little visit by some bikers with racists tendencies and bad attitudes...oh, and a plan.

Next thing you know you are strapped to a chair, legs pulled behind your ears with your arms pulled behind your back and tied to said legs. Then a cucumber is shoved up your ass. Call it a "stress position", if you will. Then they cut your nipples off with razor blades and work their way to your overly exposed balls. All they want is the time and place you got a blow-job from your wife in 1998. That's all the racist bikers need to get paid and then slice your balls off anyway.

Do you give them the information they want? Well, do you? Punk.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Have a Nice Life, NBA

I am fucking through with you. I can't even begin to describe how frustrated I have become with you. Take your fucking league and go suck a dick for all I care. Until you can make your officiating consistent, I will watch no more. What an embarrassment to professional sports you have become. So, like I said, have a nice life, NBA. I'm through with you...

Friday, May 08, 2009

Healthy Habits and Shitty Writers ;)

By now you've all heard that the first lady and I have a thing going on promoting parents to be good examples for their kids. And I'm all for that. But who the fuck wrote the script? I'm under contract so I had to perform, but I was thinking the entire time that Rush Limpbaugh had infiltrated the once impermeable Sesame Street writing staff to pad his radio material! Until I got a call from Barack...

First, he told me he would squash me like a bug if I ever looked at his wife's ass like that again. But I exclaimed, "how can a warm blooded monster NOT get excited at something as beautiful as that!" He conceded, but made me promise to never do it again...I agreed;)

The Precedent went on to explain that they were not telling me the writer's name because they knew I would kick his ass, and that the dude was just following orders anyway. At which point, my jaw dropped.

"WHAT THE FUCK MR. PRESIDENT!!!" I vomited. But Barack calmed me down with five simple words.

"Sun Tzu, think about it..."

Sweet potato pie and shut my mouth!

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Luntz Bucket

Hel-fucking-larious!!! Frank Luntz wrote a memo! And it was licked up like a starving cat eating peanut butter by the Retardicans!

But guess what? On Pappa Rush's show...he totally slammed Luntz! So guess what we get tomorrow folks? The exact opposite of what you are about to watch below...

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Torture Didn't Work On Jesus Either

Tell me, wingnut, did Jesus give the Romans what they wanted? If he did, then torture truly does work...

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Projection's Connection to a Retard's Reflection

It's no secret that conservatives have no individual responsibility. Hell, you'd be hard pressed to find any "collective" responsibility in their ranks too, but anyway...

Projection. It has long been the tool used by authoritarian conservatives to explain away their faults. And they just may have gotten away with it too...if it hadn't been for those meddling kids! Alright, just kidding with the Scooby Doo joke, what I meant was...if they had any leaders with bright bulbs. It's hard to see the image they project when their leaders forget to take the cap off the lens.

So, we've got a Retard among us who agrees that torture is wrong, sort of, but only because the Liberals made them do it!

Oh, don't be shocked.

It sure as hell was dirty Liberal mind tricks that made them do what they did! Well, the parts that the public find gross, that is...but if we can get away with it then it is "OK!"

I dare any warm blooded American with a "bright" bulb to click on and read that PROJECTION link I left above with a mouth full of liquid. If you can get through it with the liquid still in your mouth...I'll give you a million dollars...

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Late Night from Elmo's iPod: You're The Reason God Made Oklahoma

Just a shout out to all my Liberal brothers and sisters in Oklahoma. I remember singing this in the back seat of my mom's mustang(had a 351 Cleveland and a Hurst shifter) with my sister Stacy...I can still hear Stacy singing at the top of her lungs..."I've got a calico cat and a 2 room flat, on a street in West L.A.!"

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