Saturday, April 29, 2006

NFL Draft Live Blogging: The Oilers are on the Clock

Ahh shit, that team ran away jumping for joy from Houston, they're the Texans now...

This logo most accurately depicts the unwanted veracity our friend Smarty is feel'n reading Elmo's post...nevertheless, the original Oiler's logo is more politically convenient.

I predict the Texans will not take Reggie Bush; shacking the foundation of the entire draft...

Oh yeah, Rush Limbaugh got arrested!

Update: The Saints are on the clock, and the draft hasn't even started yet...

Update: Will the Saints take this once in a lifetime opportunity to get a BOATLOAD of picks and finally build a super bowl team? Or do they take Reggie?

Update: Sorry Jets fans...Saints take Bush.

Update: Thank God!!! Vince goes to the Titans! I was so afraid he would end up a Raider.

Update: Congratulations Jet fans. D'Brickashaw is a monster and will play at a high-level for 12yrs.

Update: Hawk to Green surprises here.

Update: Fuck San Francisco...but V. Davis is a hell of a pick.

Update: Fuck Oakland...Huff, I used to love ya bro, but your a Raider now.(shiver)

Update: The red headed step child of the NFL, Buffalo, take...S Donte Whitner? Don't they need a defensive line?

Update: Detroit takes Ernie Simms, 'bout time they draft a defensive player in the first round.

Update: Matt Leinart finally goes to Arizona. Have fun in the desert Matt.

I'm going to my bro's to pound a few before the Cowboy's pick. Enjoy the rest of the draft.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Band of the Week: John Schooley and His One Man Band

Like John Schooley, Karl Rove is a very good multitasker. The Cat Squirrel can kill foreigners, lie to a grand jury, bankrupt the youth and raise mass G's from oil companies before you pour the milk in your breakfast cereal. His motto is "Cruse with me...I'll Drive You Faster!" No wonder he's so popular.

Listen the Neil Young's new album Living with War.

Financial Friendly Fire

Army specialist Tyson Johnson was severely wounded when a mortar round exploded next to his tent in Iraq. Since he was unable to finish his enlistment, the Army is demanding he repay his signing bonus of $2700. There are at least 900 more wounded soldiers returning home to find bills for enlistment bonuses, medical services, travel and lost equipment in their mailboxes. Spec. Johnson had to live out of his car because the Army reported him to credit agencies as having bad debts, making it impossible for him to rent an apartment. Others have had to ship their children to relatives in other states because they couldn't shelter and feed them. Yet another example of how disgraceful our government has become.

House Government Reform Committee Chairman Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), is holding a hearing to investigate this tragedy today.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Brett's Back for '06 Season

This guy is just a glutton for punishment. He threw 20 TD's in '05, but he also threw 29 interceptions, got sacked 24 times and lost 7 fumbles. Expect to see a lot of Brett with his head down next season...unless he's regulated to bench warmer.

Are you a glutton for puishment? Elmo scored a 38:

Your answers reveal that your radar is definitely fine-tuned. You give others the benefit of the doubt, but there is only so much you will tolerate. You understand that you need to have your own interests in mind. You appear to remain flexible; you are open to help others out but you insist on explanations for their behavior. You are not intimidated when it comes to requesting a mutual respect from the people you care about, and express your thoughts, feelings and opinions in a clear and direct manner. The bottom line is …you are certainly not a glutton for punishment. You offer consideration and expect the same in return. That seems to be a win-win situation!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Merle Haggard: "Get out of Iraq"

Watch Merle Haggard's new video. When country music's "poet of the common man" sees the light and turns against the Iraq war, the rest of redneck America is sure to follow. All that will be left supporting this personal vendetta of the president now are the war profiteers.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Band of the Week: The Ends

Have you learned that new dance called The Ends? No? Well, just follow the good Generals as they step to the Latest Beat. Put on your best Sick Little Eyes face, give a reluctant I'm Sorry, then count 1...2...3...and Jump Ship!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Wave Goodbye to Scotty...

" I ain't even lonely"

...and say hello to Tony?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm the decider

Your the un-did-duh-undicider.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Elmo Commandeered Senator Frist's iPod

Shhhh...the secret service is on my ass so keep this shit on the down-low. You won't believe what this player hater is jam'n!

Frist's day starts off with the Rocky theme and quickly morphs into Queen's "We are the Champions." Then Ozzy bursts through with "Bark at the Moon" followed by Wham's "Wake me up before you Go-Go." Then something that sounds a lot like "Amazing Grace" gets cut off by Too Short's "Pimpology." That's all Elmo could get before Home Land Security caught up with me...but I swear I heard John Denver's "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" before I launched Frist's iPod into the Trinity river.

They recovered it though, it was playing Kid Rock's "You Never Met a Mother Fucker Quite Like Me" over and over again...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Band of the Week: The Sweethearts

Well, looky here! Generals Crawlin' out of the woodwork to oppose Rumsfeld. Nice of you guys to finally speak up, even if you had to Runaway...(clears throat) retire from the military to do it. The Sweethearts...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

16 Days

Stephen Rademaker, U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for International Security and Nonproliferation, says Iran could produce a nuclear bomb in 16 Days.

On its face this sound like bullshit, and since it's coming from the Bush administration, it smells like bullshit too. Is Bush trying to engage himself in a JFK "Cuban missile crises" kind of standoff with Iran?

I can see Laura now, getting their underground bunker decorated all nice and homely, so her man will be comfortable while he stares the bad Iranians down.

Lord help us.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Good News from Iraq!!!

It seems that the citizens of Iraq have gone from an ungodly worse than third-world poor, to just plain third-world poor in a mere three years. Yippy! How great it must be to live in Iraq!

You see, their economy has grown 50% since we invaded in march of 2003. No longer is the average Iraqi earning $500 per year, today, he's earning $1200! Damn they've got it good over there. OK, I know what your thinking..."but Elmo, in 1980 that average was $4200." Naysayers! The glass is always half empty with you guys. Always focusing on civil war and babies dying. 50% people, 50%...focus on that and it's easy to see we are winning!

Pride is a bitch, ain't it...

Friday, April 07, 2006

Band of the Week: Rockland Eagles

Rock! Fight! Win! With the Rockland Eagles! Think Dinosaur Jr. meets Lance Armstrong. Nuts intact.

Are you a rocker? I Am A Rocker. Bush and Delay's friends are not rockers...they're Squeelers. So the question to you is...Wanna Take a Ride? Only rockers allowed.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Bush Approved Leak

I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby just testified that Bush authorized the leak of Valarie Plame's CIA status. Holy shit from shinola! In February of 2004 Bush welcomed a probe of CIA leak saying..."If there's a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is." and "I want to know the truth." You always knew the truth you fuck'n liar! IMPEACH THE CHIMP!!!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Little Alison Grace's First B-Day is Today

That's right, all three of my children have birthdays within two weeks of each other.

Happy birthday sweetheart!

Good call on the chocolate cake Daddy!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Elmo Lives!

After a lot of drugs and a lot of sleep...I'm back.
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