Monday, April 27, 2009

Cruel and Unusual

I've had just about enough of this fucking torture debate. And GOD DAMMIT I mean every word of this fucking post...

You, the fucking ignorant, lazy, loose-brained 50% of the American people who think torture is "ok"..."sometimes." You fucking disgust me. And that goes for my fucking mother, too. Do you really think you are that smart? Brave? Decisive? You are nothing of the sort. In fact, you're stupid, cowardly, and knee-jerk as all get out. You don't have the rationalization(good sense)the good Lord gave a gnat!

Fifty percent of you, huh? Wow. Reminds me of another time in America's history where 50% of the people slaved, and slaved, and slaved over an issue. We fought a Civil War over that, didn't we? Hmmm, makes one think. Some in the south didn't condone the brutal forms of slavery, but slavery was "ok" in "some" situations when done "humanely."

The pro-torture losers here in Texas are already talking secession and calling it...get this..."state's rights." How many states will follow? Will your pea-brained pro-torture ass join in? Will you follow your state into rebellion for torture? Does that seem like a more patriotic cause than slavery to you?

Oh, I hear ya..."that's ridiculous Elmo!" But I beg to differ, dickwad. Remember that major issue this country was divided 50/50 over in 1852, when Harriet Beecher Stowe published Uncle Tom's Cabin in response to the pro-slavery movement? Of course you don't, you do not read. But answer me this, wingnut - what is the single most important issue that divides Americans today, if not torture?

What? Torture is not a "major" issue to you? Neither was "slavery" to the social retards of the 1850's, but look where that got us. So, are you going to be one of the fools who fight for torture that claims to be fighting for state's rights? If we have another civil war, like the inbred toothless crackers in this country want, will you follow them? I wanna know. Will you fight for torture under the banner of "state's rights"?

I know you torture sympathizers cannot get your little fucking mush brains around the similarities between slavery and torture. I'd bet, similarly, you are just as confused with the concept of oxidation. If I told you that rust was the same thing as fire, I bet you'd call me an idiot. But, in fact, rust and fire are both oxidation. One just is slower and more methodical than the other. I'd also bet, the only way you'd ever "get it" is if you were actually tortured(or enslaved)yourselves...morons.

Somewhere along the way you shit stains forgot about the 8th amendment to the Constitution, which says simply that we as Americans do not condone cruel and unusual punishment. Somewhere along the line you figured you could get all lawyery and shit and decide for the rest of us that torture was "ok" if it was NOT done on Americans, but we could perform some "enhancive interrogating" on a fucking foreigner if we wanted to. Think again you fucking two-faced back stabbing Tories. You don't get to change the rules in mid-fucking-stride, without even voting on it. Hell! Without even FIGHTING for it!

You pukes make me sick. I'd be honored to fight against a slimy motherfucking un-American traitor such as yourself...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Help a Red State Turn Blue!

When these babies hit the market order one for yourself and some for your friends! They are going to be instant classics and the profits are going to a good cause...Texas Democrats!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Retro Vertigo: Reveled on Maury Povich's show earlier today...Elmo is NOT Bristol Palin's baby's daddy!!!

I remember it like it was yeaterday! Whatever happened to that Levi Johnston dude, anyway?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Protestation without Representation (A Tale of Two Teabaggers)

Scene #1...

The noble slept not a wink, yet nothing did stir. Just relevance fleeting, ah, you see, this is their bur. No troubles anew, no evil to resist- except the ones in their heads they pretend don't exist. For spring brings fresh life and the nobles do see, those with little or none are becoming more free. Even though all that will be lost is noblemen pride, their hate for the peasant cannot be denied. So they lie in sweet vengeance, their eyes wide awake, in search of a vessel to harness that hate...

Scene #2...

The peasant slept like a baby, having no other choice. There was someone else he trusted to be his voice. He hoped and he prayed, as he always did, and cussed like a sailor when a nobleman fibbed. But there was no other he knew how to serve, what his grand-pappy taught him was not to observe. So ignorance became his only bliss, in turn, his ass getting fucked he could not dismiss. Still, the noble's call he could not deny, even with a thousand needles in his eye...

Scene #3...

So the peasants shall gather on April 15th, at the behest of the nobles who can no longer sleep. The well rested peasants with ironic dumb luck, will buy bags of tea with their new Obama tax cuts. "Sixty five dollars!" said one teabagger with glee, "will buy a lot of motherfucking tea!" So he pays the nobles who are nothing but thrilled, having got paid for the tea they shall spill. Money for nothing the nobles do say, is what you get when the ignorant are prey...

Scene #4...

Alas, the time is near. Where push comes to shove and truths become clearer. What was once a very safe place to hide, shines a spotlight no human can deny. How far will the peasants go to protect their masters? Only time will tell, their ranks house a lot of bastards. If we judge from their words and their deeds, logic tells us they will go to great lengths. So what? Shall it matter? In the great scheme of things? We'll find out is the 14th...

Thursday, April 09, 2009

A View to a Perception

Let's face it, we all know rule #1 in wingnutville is that perception is king. No exceptions, no arguments to the contrary; if you forget rule #1, you get your ass kicked out of the Conservatorium and cast into Liberalville. Which explains why they must project their faults onto Liberals continuously...but that's for another post. Today we concentrate on, perception.

Now, the roots of their perception fetish is legendary, from the spit-shined dress to the perfect hair. To the Retardican, if you look good you've won half the battle(I know, I KNOW! but that's for another post also!!!). So, we happen to be living in an age where Retardicans are acting out an old script and the entire nation knows it's a tragedy- no longer a romantic comedy...because, uh, we all had to buy our own tickets this time.

But besides having their suits starched, their ties on straight, and keeping the hair-spray industry thriving by not letting a hair out of place- what more do they have these days?

You are correct! The answer IS a skull whose brains have been scooped out and replaced by that string of turds that people who take those colon cleansing solutions dig out of their toilets and call a "Karl Rove!"(trust me, you DO NOT want to click on this link)

Now that that little bit of uncomfortableness is over, lets get down and dirty. When Ronald "The Clown" Reagan got to the "big stage"- the Retardican was born. Into the Abyss he did cast conservatism, by which I mean, he pushed them onto a stage where conservatives are gauged and promoted on their ability to project the character they are trying to get the audience to believe in. They have to perform well, or the audience will be lost. That is why the more ridiculous they get over the years the more they have to have a self proclaimed monopoly on the greatest morals and purest values ever to bless mankind. Bar none.

Think about it, and I'm serious here, if anyone knows a good value or a decent moral a wingnut HAS NOT claimed as their own over the last thirty years I'd like that information. I'm racking my brains here and I can't think of single one!

Here are a few of the retards' so called "values" one can easily prove they have betrayed without even bating an eye...

Trustful, loyal, helpful, friendly, curious, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. And that is just the Boy Scout Law, don't forget about what they did to the Constitution!

But no matter how bad the slip-up, the Retardican will never fall out of character. The facade can never be taken down. Failures can never be reveled to the public. Because if the perception dies, they die. And that's just what happens to motherfuckers with no sense of reality...time and time again...

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Freepers Creepers

Have you tried to go and buy any ammunition lately? Don't bother going to any local retailer...all the shelves are bare. I couldn't believe it. "You have NO ammunition?" But lucky for me, there was some crazy conspiracy loon near by who recognized the what the fuck? look on my face and came over to educate me...

Crazy Conspiracy Loon: "Damn man, haven't you heard?"

Elmo: "Heard what?"

Crazy Conspiracy Loon: "The Government is about to tax ammo so much it wont be affordable...where have you been!?!"

Elmo: "Sweet Jesus..." drops head, shakes it, and walks away

So I get home, Google for about three seconds, and what do I find? Mother. Fucking. Freepers!

I need to explain something to you Freeper retards...and yes, you are retards. If the day ever comes where America's government has collapsed, and anarchy ensues, your guns and ammo will be passed from one cold dead hand to another...starting with your own...

Friday, April 03, 2009

Late Night from Elmo's iPod: Led Zeppelin "The Lemon Song"

Lets face it, most conservatives are singing to their wingnut counterparts... "I should have left you baby -- a LONG time ago..."

The Lemon Song - Led Zeppelin - Funny bloopers are a click away

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Crayola Crime Scene

I've had my fare share of fuck-ups in my life, don't get me wrong, but I sure as hell never had one this monumental!

Hey, Retardicans? Are you listening? Of course not, but anyway...

I know I ain't no rocket scientist, but this is the information age, assholes, you can't hide behind fairy tales anymore! Why do you think that the more ridiculous you get will conclude in the more relevance you have as a party? Isn't this an old sandbox kids con you are falling for, one you should have learned from in the third grade? I mean seriously!?! Can't you see you are getting played like a fiddle?

Look. You guys need to sit down, and take a deep breadth. And by that, I mean you need to take a GOOD look at the distance from reality your current social status resides...from side to side. If that don't make you feel lonely, then nothing ever will.

First, you idiots got baited in to coming up with a fake budget that was nothing more than 19 pages of limp dick. Now, you pile on by bringing out a "real" budget that makes you look even more impotent! I'm sorry, but I think there's nothing more to do with your ideology but to carve it up, discard of it, and leave it to the vultures...

***FUCK YOU, #1

You want to cut capital gains taxes for one year. Nice. Some of the richest people in the country make every pinny they make through capital gains richest people in the country get to pay NO TAXES for an entire year!!! Take that you 40hr a week working shrub!

***FUCK YOU, #2

What's up with the hiding behind "choice" when it comes to taxes? Especially when your tax "choice" gives rich crooks the ability pay little, or abort their tax burden all together? That's all kinds of fucked up!!!

***FUCK YOU, #3

Spending cuts. How quaint. Why don't you just come out and advocate the wholesale slaughter of the unemployed? Wouldn't that be more efficient? I mean, if a motherfucker can't find his bootstraps, what good is he?

One more point...being a gutless, whining ass child is not going to make us feel sorry for you imbeciles. So tell Glen Beck to stop crying...
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