When Conservative Philosophies Fail

And lets face it, conservative philosophies always fail in the end. Not just one or two of the worst of them, all of them. Every. single. time. they are tried. It's one of those inevitable facts that plagues our history. But why? Why do conservatives, time and again, fight furiously to perpetrate old cockamamie conservative schemes on our society? History is very clear, yet their belief in these debunked philosophies only grows stronger in the face of overwhelming facts to the contrary!(Remember that Seinfeld episode were George says "it's not a lie...if you believe it!")

The answer, quite clearly, is that they are socially retarded. And proud of it, to boot.

Lets start with the founding of this great nation. With the Seven Years' War over, leaving the British strapped for cash, the conservatives of the day, who called themselves Tories, figured that corporate welfare would be the fix to their financial woes. That's right, supply side economics. One of their companies, The East India Company, who managed the tea trade on behalf of the British government, was going bankrupted. So they stopped the export tax on East India Company and started charging a modest import tax on American tea merchants. Then flooded the American market with cheap British tea. The conventional wisdom was, this will work because Americans love cheap shit! How'd that work out for ya, Tories?

Next lets take a look at The Roaring 20's. The Great War was over, and America did not want much to do with the rest of the world. Mass production and mass consumption was the way of the day. Production processes were taken out of the hands of skilled craftsmen and put into the hands of managers and machine makers. Many unskilled workers made it into the middle class, many skilled workers fell back into the middle class, and the times were great for the filthy rich. The conservatives of the day, who called themselves fundamentalists, thought supply side economics and tax cuts for the rich was the way to go. They believed the people's government should not be regulating the economy. And left the people to fend for themselves, separating citizens from their own government. Even leaving many to suffer after The Great Mississippi River flood of 1927(until public outcry got too loud, of course). How'd that work out for ya, fundamentalists?

Now we come to the present. Sitting smack-dab in the middle of The Great Terror Wars, with supply-side economic policies digging another ditch to bury conservatives in...again. Today's conservatives call themselves Neo-Conservatives. That's right, all the conservatives of the past failed because they were not conservative enough! This time they'll be ultra-super-duper conservative and finally get it right! Yet here we are, once again; no end in sight to the Iraq War, scattered Hurricane Katrina victims, and a economic system on the verge of collapse(just to name a few). One question...how's that working out for ya, neo-cons?

The answer is no, it is not working out well at all for conservatives. I know, what a shocker, uh? But if you think conservatives will see the light, then I've got a bridge to sell you in Alaska. So, knowing this, what do you suppose the conservatives will call themselves next? Nuclearoid-Cons? Paleontolo-Con? Leave your predictions in comments...